


repose

by veridical



Series: from these moments, we awake [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Soft Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 10:09:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10851795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veridical/pseuds/veridical
Summary: Sometimes you need to deal with winning.





	repose

**Author's Note:**

> I was frustrated by People On The Internet, and it turned out I had a lot of thoughts and feelings on these two. Esp. after talking about it with unos (thank you!).
> 
> (Your usual disclaimer: these are just fictionalised versions of the real people.)

He finds Shoma sitting in a remote training zone, his back to the wall, knees pressed to himself, staring at nothing.

Yuzuru's first thought is on the strange absence of Mihoko. It's still a couple days until World Team Trophy, and while _some_ may choose to train, Mihoko just could have been dragged by Kana into choosing the best accessories for everyone to wear (not that he thinks everyone will actually wear them, but it's nice of Kana to care this much).

He approaches Shoma slowly, but with noise, enough to make himself heard.

Shoma doesn't move or acknowledge his presence in any way, but something tells Yuzuru that he mustn't speak — at least, not first.

He rocks on the balls of his feet and waits.

"How do you deal with others... with people-- with the critique?" Shoma inquires, finally, in a small voice.

Yuzuru could answer, _you take it in stride_. He could answer, _you accept it and give thanks and find ways to improve_. He could answer, _you ignore it if it doesn't work for you._

"Badly, sometimes," he says. Shoma's lips press together tighter.

"There's no easy way or a right way," Yuzuru starts to say, testing the strange waters of Shoma actually sharing his feelings.

"I don't deserve it," Shoma's fingers ghost over something, over his neck and down to the space before his chest. "The things you did out there, that was-- phenomenal. No single thing wrong. I know, I know," he interrupts himself, even though Yuzuru hadn't even thought of saying something, "you still think you did wrong, because of the short, and I understand, of course, but your free skate... and my free skate, they just weren't," Shoma is getting quieter by the second, "they're not... the same level."

"You were satisfied though," Yuzuru notes, unable to stop himself.

"Before, yes," Shoma nods, snapping just a little out of his strange trance. "After short, I felt... great. It felt great. And I was so happy after the free, too. But... it wasn't enough. Not because you won," he adds hastily, "I'm glad you did-- it's right, it's the right thing, — and at first, I was so glad about the spots, and I didn't cry, and I landed everything and it felt so good, but it wasn't, I wasn't... good enough." Shoma is mumbling by the end of it.

Yuzuru remembers this: a win with two falls, made possible by the falls of others. A win by several hundreds of a point, the guilt and the shame and the anger at himself for not doing enough — all that remained after the the first elation was over.

Brian is very smart: he would never let Yuzuru get to what people say about him anywhere, but he doesn't need other people for this.

He sits down beside Shoma, and for a little while, they're silent.

"You watched me skate?" he says instead of a myriad other possible phrases.

Shoma nods, arms still around his knees, hugging them tight.

"Of course. I needed to know."

"Because of spots?" Yuzuru asks, understanding, soft.

"Yes. But no, not just that," Shoma tilts his head a little in thought and ends up looking at Yuzuru. "I... I wanted to know how you'd skate. It's... important. It feels safe." His gaze snaps back to the opposite wall, and they fall silent again.

It feels weird to touch upon that equilibrium they found in competing together, moreso since Yuzuru never assumed that Shoma gave it any thought. For Shoma, all the competitions just seem so... easy, and happy, and Yuzuru envies that, but quietly hopes against hope it will somehow stay this way, even once the focus of Japanese media inevitably shifts towards the younger skater.

It feels good, if he must admit it — to have someone else, someone who knows, who cares, who also skates for his country, right here with him, on the podium — so close that he could always loop their arms together. He hadn't felt that since Tatsuki's announcement hit him right where this warm feeling had just started to spread. With Daisuke, he felt like a young apprentice going by the path already made, but inevitably straying and laying his own; with Tatsuki, he felt equal.

When Shoma laughs and loops their arms together, easily and earnestly, for what feels like a hundredth time, he feels that, again, and he feels as if just for those seconds, he can relax, and forget, and not think of what he must do, what he has to prove, because he is not alone anymore.

It's hard to give a voice to these thoughts, hard to turn them into actual words that will carry the meaning, but if Shoma managed, well, — Yuzuru is not going to be outdone by him.

"I think," he starts slowly, carefully, "I think... your place was also right."

"You haven't seen me skate though," Shoma starts quickly, then realises his wrong a moment before Yuzuru disproves this claim, "ah, I mean-- I wasn't... my jumps were not good. Quads, I mean. They were better before, at Four Continents, and the quad toeloop combo was better at Asian Winter Games, and--"

"Shoma, don't," Yuzuru pleads, and Shoma looks at him with wild eyes. "People will think I'm a bad influence on you," he adds in a disgruntled mutter, but it manages to draw a little smile onto Shoma's face.

 _You think I don't worry?_ he wants to say. _That I'm not good enough, somehow, that I can't reach the level I myself had been just so recently — it feels so long ago, — or if I somehow do manage it, like just now, that there's nothing beyond that, that I can't top that, that there's only downhill from now on? Of falling slowly from grace?_

But he knows, he knows those thoughts are too different from what is poisoning Shoma, and it would be stupid to voice something that may never even reach him — Yuzuru hears his words, Yuzuru sees his skating; he knows Shoma will not leave the ice willingly, not before it has finished being fun.

"You were good," he repeats, imploringly. "Better than me, if we count--" Shoma starts protesting, of course, and Yuzuru allows himself a smile, too.

"It's not your job to think if you deserve it," he says with weight and emphasis.

Shoma releases his grip on his knees, relaxing a little. "I guess so."

"But I think you do," Yuzuru adds carefully. "Deserve it."

"You just want more medals for Japan," Shoma protests, but he is smiling, the one that doesn't look strained or forced, his eyes crinkling.

And he does. "Of course," he says, and he could stop there, and maybe turn it into another joke, but Shoma's smile, a real, honest smile, still hides his insecurity. "And for you." He doesn't need to wish for that, though — he knows, has known for a long time, that Shoma will get them. "Not my medals, of course," he adds, unable to resist, and Shoma makes a little grimace.

"Yuzu..."

"But I'm glad to share the podium with you," he says, finally, squeezes it out until it flies out of him like a jump, like a triple lutz that feels so easy once it's released.

"Because of this?" Shoma raises his elbow slightly, and Yuzuru resists, just barely, to reach for it. It would be stupid, to do it off the podium — their little winning ritual. They already did it twice, just this month, just that one day.

"Because of everything," Yuzuru declares — a little too much, but then, Shoma can be a little too dense.

Shoma finally lets the words stand, hiding his face, clearly embarrassed.

"Why do you have to say stuff like this..." he mutters grumpily somewhere into his left knee.

"Because I think you've been listening to the wrong people," Yuzuru informs him. He could totally flick him on the nose right now, except maybe that would actually be too much. It's hard to know with Shoma and with the amount of time Yuzuru spends in Canada. "You should listen to your senpai, Shoma."

Shoma looks way more annoyed than flustered now, which is what Yuzuru prefers.

Then he raises his hand and flicks Yuzuru on the nose.

Yuzuru laughs, and Shoma laughs, too, soft, earnest.

"You'll have one more chance," Yuzuru reminds him gently. "You know. With your quads and all."

"Mmmm," Shoma says in uncertain agreement. "You too? I guess. Only I don't really want to focus on quads, you know. It's my last skate, for short and for free... I want to enjoy it. And so... you also have to enjoy it," Shoma finishes sternly.

 _We're gonna have fun_ , wasn't it what Kana said?

Yuzuru smiles at him brilliantly and loops their arms together.

**Author's Note:**

> me: I can't deal with people being nasty on the internet  
> me: ......tIME TO WRITE FANFICTION


End file.
